1
00:00:02,136 --> 00:00:04,069
[computer beeping]
2
00:00:04,071 --> 00:00:07,239
Hey, Willie. Will I be in your
way if I use the computer?
3
00:00:07,241 --> 00:00:10,642
Yeah. I'm looking for
a birthday present for Kate.
4
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:14,246
In a garage? What does she want,
a hedge trimmer?
5
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:17,616
No, I-I've joined the new
computer shopping service.
6
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:19,885
Uh, this way I can shop
for just about anything I want
7
00:00:19,887 --> 00:00:22,521
without ever leaving my house.
I-isn't that great?
8
00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:25,157
Yeah, right. Why go outside?
9
00:00:25,159 --> 00:00:27,893
You'll only end up
with a little color.
10
00:00:29,163 --> 00:00:31,563
Isn't there anybody else
you could bother?
11
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:35,300
We voted.
You were the people's choice.
12
00:00:35,302 --> 00:00:36,668
So what're you gonna spring for?
13
00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:39,605
Oh, I can't decide between
the high-heeled pumps
14
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:41,840
and the cubic zirconia.
15
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:44,243
Well, she does sleep with you.
16
00:00:44,245 --> 00:00:47,613
- Go for the pumps.
- It's settled.
17
00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:49,815
- Let me play "Donkey Kong."
- No, no, no.
18
00:00:49,817 --> 00:00:51,884
(Kate)
'Willie?'
19
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,019
Act natural.
20
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,255
- Willie..
- Good afternoon, Mrs. Tanner.
21
00:00:56,257 --> 00:01:00,125
And might I add, that's a lovely
dress you're wearing.
22
00:01:00,127 --> 00:01:01,527
How am I doing?
23
00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:04,997
Willie, do you know anything
about the Salvation Army
24
00:01:04,999 --> 00:01:06,999
coming to pick up
our television set?
25
00:01:07,001 --> 00:01:09,301
Ah-ha, what a stroke of luck!
26
00:01:09,303 --> 00:01:12,304
Now we'll have room
for that new big-screen TV
27
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:15,174
we've had our eyes on.
28
00:01:15,176 --> 00:01:16,708
Nice try, ALF.
29
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,778
- I'll talk to them.
- Get a receipt!
30
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:26,351
Let's go shopping!
31
00:01:26,353 --> 00:01:28,687
I need a new pair of lederhosen.
32
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,123
So hard to find junior sizes.
33
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:34,159
Which button is it?
34
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:37,162
[keys clacking]
35
00:01:37,164 --> 00:01:39,331
Hello. What's this?
36
00:01:39,333 --> 00:01:42,968
"Welcome to
the Home Investor's Network."
37
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:45,871
Hey! Think I'm gonna
like this game.
38
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:50,742
[theme music]
39
00:02:20,541 --> 00:02:23,742
[music continues]
40
00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:51,837
[instrumental music]
41
00:02:52,606 --> 00:02:55,073
Well, what do you guys think?
42
00:02:55,075 --> 00:02:58,911
Well, dad, maybe they looked
better on the monitor.
43
00:02:58,913 --> 00:03:01,547
Oh, there she is.
Don't say anything.
44
00:03:01,549 --> 00:03:03,348
Remember, it's a surprise.
45
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,019
- 'Hi, mom.'
- 'Hi.'
46
00:03:08,455 --> 00:03:10,656
How about, "Hi, mom. Gosh,
you shouldn't be carrying
47
00:03:10,658 --> 00:03:12,724
those heavy things,
that's our job?"
48
00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:14,626
You read our minds.
49
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,963
Ohh. Here, sweetie.
50
00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:19,097
[sighs]
51
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,000
- Thank you, honey.
- Sure.
52
00:03:23,337 --> 00:03:26,405
Kate, do you know anything
about this letter?
53
00:03:28,075 --> 00:03:29,841
"Dear Mr. Tanner.
Enclosed please find
54
00:03:29,843 --> 00:03:34,079
confirmation numbers
for stocks purchased this week."
55
00:03:34,081 --> 00:03:36,014
Willie, I thought
we were gonna consult each other
56
00:03:36,016 --> 00:03:37,950
before doing anything stupid?
57
00:03:37,952 --> 00:03:40,986
Well, it's got to be a mistake.
58
00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:45,357
Probably a three-foot
furry mistake.
59
00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:49,394
Sometimes I think we should just
sign everything over to him
60
00:03:49,396 --> 00:03:52,698
and slip away
in the middle of the night
61
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:04,509
"Congratulations. Your account
shows you are up by $5000."
62
00:04:04,511 --> 00:04:06,845
Yes! Yes!
63
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:10,882
"Care to make another buy?"
64
00:04:10,884 --> 00:04:15,020
Are you kidding? Does
Willard Scott wear a toupee?
65
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,055
- ALF.
- Oh, hi, Willie.
66
00:04:17,057 --> 00:04:20,125
You're just in time to see me
launch a hostile takeover.
67
00:04:20,127 --> 00:04:21,827
Whatever that is!
68
00:04:23,097 --> 00:04:25,897
Hey, I was right
in the middle of my game!
69
00:04:25,899 --> 00:04:27,833
This is not a game,
you've tapped into
70
00:04:27,835 --> 00:04:29,568
my stock-market service.
71
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:32,704
You're investing my money!
72
00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:35,107
I'm playing with real money?
73
00:04:35,109 --> 00:04:39,378
- What a great game!
- It's not a game!
74
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:42,814
You know,
you can beat a point to death.
75
00:04:42,816 --> 00:04:45,284
I'm not gonna let you
put my house, my family
76
00:04:45,286 --> 00:04:47,286
my whole life into jeopardy!
77
00:04:47,288 --> 00:04:50,289
Now, tell me, just tell me..
78
00:04:50,291 --> 00:04:52,090
How much?
79
00:04:52,092 --> 00:04:54,493
$5000.
80
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,961
[grunts]
81
00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,963
Ahead.
82
00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,799
We're players, Willie.
Players!
83
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,200
[exhales sharply]
84
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,104
I knew you'd be happy.
85
00:05:06,106 --> 00:05:09,041
But you could've
lost everything, ALF.
86
00:05:09,043 --> 00:05:14,780
Let's just take this as
an unexpected windfall and stop!
87
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:18,016
But I finally found a way
to make an honest living.
88
00:05:18,018 --> 00:05:20,986
Now, granted,
you'd be taking all the risks.
89
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:22,888
But that's the beauty of it!
90
00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,856
Come on, Willie. Cut me loose.
91
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:28,060
Let me fly.
Let my people go.
92
00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,129
Okay, ALF.
93
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,298
You can continue
to play the market.
94
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:36,268
Alright. Way to hang,
Willie boy!
95
00:05:36,270 --> 00:05:40,339
But only on paper!
That means no money.
96
00:05:40,341 --> 00:05:44,309
A pencil, a calculator,
a visor if you want.
97
00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:47,879
- Did I mention no money?
- In passing.
98
00:05:51,218 --> 00:05:54,419
Hey, no wonder
he works for the government.
99
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:58,156
[instrumental music]
100
00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:07,232
Mom, I woke up with a craving
for French toast and sausage.
101
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:13,205
Or oatmeal,
whichever's easiest for you.
102
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,674
Does ALF know
that breakfast is ready?
103
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:18,610
ALF! Breakfast is ready!
104
00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,945
Thank you.
105
00:06:20,647 --> 00:06:23,815
Oh, it's still here.
106
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,050
You know, I never thought
I'd miss the sound
107
00:06:25,052 --> 00:06:27,619
of ALF hoovering down his food.
108
00:06:27,621 --> 00:06:29,354
What's bothering him, anyway?
109
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:33,492
He's been glum, glum, glum since
daddy took his keyboard away.
110
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,060
I heard that.
111
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,162
I thought it was high time
we establish
112
00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,865
who, in fact, is in charge
in this house.
113
00:06:39,867 --> 00:06:41,867
And I'm pretty sure it's me.
114
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,735
Uh, us.
115
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,804
No particular order.
116
00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:48,640
Nice save, dad.
117
00:06:48,642 --> 00:06:49,941
- Good morning.
- 'Morning, ALF'
118
00:06:49,943 --> 00:06:52,544
- Hi, ALF.
- I have an apology to make.
119
00:06:52,546 --> 00:06:54,146
Willie, I've had a bad attitude
120
00:06:54,148 --> 00:06:56,114
since you took me
off the computer
121
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,050
and I'd like to say I'm sorry.
122
00:06:59,052 --> 00:07:01,753
Well, thank you, ALF.
123
00:07:01,755 --> 00:07:03,622
It-it's big of you
to admit that.
124
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:04,890
Thanks.
125
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,627
There's more, isn't there?
126
00:07:08,629 --> 00:07:11,296
Well, yes. Lots more.
127
00:07:11,298 --> 00:07:13,498
Oh, no!
128
00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:16,001
Willie, my friend,
since you took back control
129
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:21,840
of the family fortune
I've made us $11,000.
130
00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,209
On paper!
131
00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,511
$11,000?
132
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,447
On paper!
133
00:07:28,449 --> 00:07:31,850
Here's your share.
Knock yourself out.
134
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,554
Just out of curiosity, ALF..
135
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:39,391
What system do you use
to pick these stocks?
136
00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:41,560
I select companies
whose initials
137
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:44,963
spell out Melmacian holidays
138
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:48,867
That's not a system.
It's just dumb luck.
139
00:07:48,869 --> 00:07:51,369
Willie, Willie,
Willie, Willie, Willie!
140
00:07:51,371 --> 00:07:52,504
Think about it.
141
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:54,906
Now, there are people
who jump onboard
142
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:57,175
and there are people
who are left on the dock.
143
00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,877
And then there are those
who are always late
144
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,412
getting to the airport.
145
00:08:01,915 --> 00:08:04,483
What are you talking about?
146
00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:07,486
I don't know.
I sort of got lost there myself.
147
00:08:07,488 --> 00:08:10,388
I do remember
it having a travel theme.
148
00:08:12,693 --> 00:08:14,893
[instrumental music]
149
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,865
- Kate?
- Uh-huh?
150
00:08:22,569 --> 00:08:24,703
You remember how we said
we'd consult each other
151
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:27,472
before we did anything stupid?
152
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,341
You want ALF
to invest our money, don't you?
153
00:08:29,343 --> 00:08:30,976
Because that
is about the stupidest thing
154
00:08:30,978 --> 00:08:32,644
that I could
think of at the moment.
155
00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:35,614
He'd only be working with the
$5000 that he's already made.
156
00:08:35,616 --> 00:08:38,717
- You can't be serious.
- But I know it sounds crazy.
157
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:43,622
But every stock he's picked
has made money...o-on paper
158
00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,824
What if he has
some sort of incredible gift?
159
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:48,460
Some unexplainable instinct.
160
00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:51,930
What if he's some kind of
an alien savant?
161
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,867
Willie, what's this
really all about?
162
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,469
[sighs]
163
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,170
I don't know.
164
00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:02,007
Maybe I'd just like to be able
to get you nice things.
165
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,909
Oh, I don't need nice things.
166
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,478
I mean,
I have several nice things.
167
00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,313
Well, wouldn't we breathe
a lot easier
168
00:09:08,315 --> 00:09:12,417
if we could pay off a few
of the mortgages on this house?
169
00:09:12,419 --> 00:09:15,954
Honey, if that's what you
wanna do, then I-I'm behind you.
170
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:17,689
But don't let him go
into our savings
171
00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:19,190
because that would be
really stupid
172
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:21,526
and then,
we'd have to talk again.
173
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:23,795
Thanks. Thanks.
174
00:09:23,797 --> 00:09:26,865
I, uh,
I just wanna go and tell ALF.
175
00:09:26,867 --> 00:09:30,101
I don't know.
Maybe he's still up.
176
00:09:33,774 --> 00:09:35,874
I guess you heard.
177
00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,475
Inadvertently.
178
00:09:39,446 --> 00:09:41,446
[instrumental music]
179
00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,887
[instrumental music]
180
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:55,694
- Willie?
- Yeah, yeah!
181
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:58,863
If you must pace,
can you do it in one direction?
182
00:09:58,865 --> 00:10:01,733
Call me when you get to Fresno.
183
00:10:01,735 --> 00:10:03,535
Well, I-I-I've never been up
184
00:10:03,537 --> 00:10:06,371
$15,000
on the stock market before.
185
00:10:07,674 --> 00:10:09,174
Why, $20,000.
186
00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:14,145
It's just the beginning,
Willie.
187
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:17,282
Do it. Let's sell.
188
00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,985
- I thought you trusted me.
- I do. I do.
189
00:10:19,987 --> 00:10:22,587
What am I saying?
190
00:10:22,589 --> 00:10:25,256
You know, we've been at this
for only two days.
191
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,058
At this rate, do you realize
192
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,127
where you'll be
at the end of the year?
193
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:32,063
Yeah. I'll be in a clinic with
the pulse rate of a hummingbird.
194
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:37,335
Yes, but hooked up to the best
machines money can buy.
195
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,641
Listen, ALF,
I've been doing some research
196
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:47,012
and I say we should invest
in a hundred shares of ATandT.
197
00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:49,014
I say BLaCh.
198
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:52,283
But, ALF, ATandT
is an American institution.
199
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:56,321
So were the Village People.
But where are they now?
200
00:10:56,323 --> 00:11:01,292
Trust me. It's BLaCh.
Boston Latrine Chemicals.
201
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,728
Come on, you're acting
like you've never heard of it.
202
00:11:03,730 --> 00:11:05,163
I haven't.
203
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:08,066
Well, Blach was
an important holiday on Melmac.
204
00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:11,970
- Need I say more?
- Yes. Lots.
205
00:11:13,707 --> 00:11:16,074
I say we invest
the whole 20 Gs.
206
00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,942
You've got
three minutes to decide.
207
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,110
What?
208
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,646
[humming "Final Jeopardy" theme]
209
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:24,249
S-stop it!
210
00:11:25,652 --> 00:11:27,919
ALF, stop!
211
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:29,087
I just don't think
that we should
212
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:31,856
put all our eggs
into one basket.
213
00:11:31,858 --> 00:11:35,660
Will you keep your holidays
out of this?
214
00:11:35,662 --> 00:11:37,028
Now come on, Willie.
215
00:11:37,030 --> 00:11:39,064
Not only are they
the right initials
216
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,700
but it's outdoor-concert season!
217
00:11:41,702 --> 00:11:44,636
Latrines are gonna go sky-high!
218
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:49,908
I still say we diversify
and buy into several companies.
219
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,843
Now, look, it says right here--
220
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:55,313
Willie. Willie, honey, baby,
sweetheart.
221
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,382
I can't make you a rich man
if you keep
222
00:11:57,384 --> 00:12:00,452
second-guessing
every senseless choice I make.
223
00:12:02,456 --> 00:12:04,022
Alright.
224
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,690
BLaCh it is.
225
00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,459
I like your thinking.
226
00:12:07,461 --> 00:12:10,295
Now go get me
a fresh pot of coffee.
227
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,734
[instrumental music]
228
00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:20,438
- Happy Birthday, mom.
- Oh, Lynnie, Lynnie.
229
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:22,674
- It is beautiful.
- 'Nice.'
230
00:12:22,676 --> 00:12:24,109
I know
231
00:12:24,111 --> 00:12:27,278
- Can I borrow it tonight?
- Sure. Here.
232
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:30,782
Now, hurry up.
The Tokyo market just opened!
233
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:33,251
Time is yen.
234
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,688
- Here, mom. Open mine next.
- Okay.
235
00:12:36,690 --> 00:12:39,324
Let's see. Oh, oh, honey!
236
00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:42,260
[chuckles]
Honey, that is so sweet.
237
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,797
- I made it myself.
- No kidding.
238
00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:47,499
Next.
239
00:12:47,501 --> 00:12:51,102
- Happy birthday, honey.
- Thanks, sweetie.
240
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:54,172
- Oh, good. Here come the pumps.
- Stop it.
241
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:56,775
The pumps, Mr. Smarty
242
00:12:56,777 --> 00:12:59,978
are on their way back to Taiwan.
243
00:12:59,980 --> 00:13:03,548
- Oh, Willie, a crystal vase?
- 'Oh.'
244
00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:06,651
Hand-etched. From France.
Really heavy.
245
00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:10,555
Oh, I noticed. I love it, honey.
Thank you.
246
00:13:10,557 --> 00:13:12,223
- Ha-ha.
- Aw..
247
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:15,193
Well, come on.
There's an alien present!
248
00:13:15,195 --> 00:13:18,296
Oh, ALF,
you've seen us kiss before.
249
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:22,066
No, I mean
there's an alien present.
250
00:13:22,068 --> 00:13:24,869
That means, open the present
from the alien.
251
00:13:24,871 --> 00:13:27,138
- Okay.
- Ooh!
252
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:30,475
Now, let's see here.
My goodness.
253
00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:34,445
Oh, ALF.
Oh, it's so generous.
254
00:13:34,447 --> 00:13:35,914
And so unlike you.
255
00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:38,283
- Look, Lynnie.
- Oh, wow.
256
00:13:38,285 --> 00:13:40,652
So you went
for the cubic zirconia.
257
00:13:40,654 --> 00:13:45,523
Ha! Would a cubic zirconia
do this?
258
00:13:45,525 --> 00:13:46,724
[Willie gasps]
259
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:52,363
Hey, man,
like, I'm really sorry.
260
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:55,700
Oh. Well, I guess one side
261
00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:58,403
has to face the wall anyway.
262
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:02,307
Do you mean
these are real diamonds?
263
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:06,578
What else would you expect
from Tiffany's?
264
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,980
Tiffany's?
265
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:11,749
ALF, is this going to show up
on the 6 o'clock news?
266
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,718
No, no, it's legit.
267
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,587
Look, here's the receipt.
268
00:14:15,589 --> 00:14:19,090
Yup, that's my
credit card number, alright.
269
00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:22,227
I'll pay you back
out of my earnings.
270
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:25,964
ALF, this is entirely
too much money.
271
00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,665
Are you gonna throw
a hissy fit
272
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:31,870
every time I squander
a few thousand bucks?
273
00:14:31,872 --> 00:14:34,706
Now, you listen to me, that
is exactly the sort of thinking
274
00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:38,743
that's going to lose us
that $20,000 just like that!
275
00:14:38,745 --> 00:14:41,112
$10,000. Pass the cake.
276
00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:44,148
Come again.
277
00:14:44,150 --> 00:14:46,317
Oh, didn't I tell ya?
278
00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:48,353
We lost half our money.
279
00:14:49,990 --> 00:14:51,990
Hey, Willie, honey, babe.
280
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:55,293
It's just a temporary setback.
281
00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:58,830
Don't you Willie-honey-babe me.
282
00:14:58,832 --> 00:15:00,365
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
283
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,934
Uh, we are getting out
of the stock market, right now.
284
00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:05,937
I'm gonna take that money,
I'm gonna put it in the bank.
285
00:15:05,939 --> 00:15:08,006
The bank? Kate!
286
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,141
Talk some sense into the man!
287
00:15:10,143 --> 00:15:13,311
I'm talking swimming pools,
movie stars
288
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:16,147
black gold, Texas tea.
289
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,718
- No, he's right, ALF.
- Sure, Kate.
290
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:24,389
Take this pin and stab me
in the back with it.
291
00:15:24,391 --> 00:15:26,925
Dad, isn't it only fair
that ALF's entitled
292
00:15:26,927 --> 00:15:29,761
to share in some of the profit?
293
00:15:29,763 --> 00:15:31,529
You were always my favorite.
294
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:34,165
You should listen to her more.
She's in college now.
295
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,868
- Yep.
- Granted, it's a party school.
296
00:15:38,505 --> 00:15:41,406
Okay, ALF,
here's what I'll do.
297
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:45,410
I'll give you $2500.
298
00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:48,112
And can I keep investing?
299
00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:51,316
- It's your money, ALF.
- Yeah?
300
00:15:51,318 --> 00:15:56,721
What if I were to run it up to,
say, oh, $4,000,000?
301
00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:59,757
I'll just have to
live with that, every day
302
00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:02,293
for the rest of my life.
303
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,829
And I'll be there to remind you.
304
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:11,302
[instrumental music]
305
00:16:13,606 --> 00:16:15,206
[sighs]
306
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,674
Alright, alright.
307
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:20,144
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.
308
00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:22,113
I'm gonna be okay.
309
00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:24,549
Just a setback.
310
00:16:24,551 --> 00:16:28,553
One huge, spiraling setback.
311
00:16:28,555 --> 00:16:31,422
- Hi, ALF.
- Brian will you calm down?
312
00:16:31,424 --> 00:16:33,791
And tell your twin
to do the same.
313
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:37,295
But I'm all alone.
314
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:39,630
- Are you okay?
- Everything's fine.
315
00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,633
Uh, I'm just having problems
with my motor skills.
316
00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:46,404
I've been drinking coffee,
but it's not helping.
317
00:16:46,406 --> 00:16:48,406
Uh, come over here.
I need your help.
318
00:16:49,909 --> 00:16:51,275
So, what do you want me to do?
319
00:16:51,277 --> 00:16:54,078
I want you to check
my portfolio balance.
320
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,747
Just push the enter button
321
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:59,717
stand back,
and whatever happens, stay calm.
322
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,326
Please blink.
323
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:11,896
There's no time.
324
00:17:11,898 --> 00:17:15,400
Uh, say, Bri..
325
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,602
What, uh, what happens
to all that money
326
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:19,570
Grandma Dorothy
keeps giving you?
327
00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:21,839
- Where is it?
- It's in the bank.
328
00:17:21,841 --> 00:17:24,342
But I can't get it
without her being with me.
329
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,878
Well, no problem,
we'll go to the bank together.
330
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,814
- I look like her.
- It won't work, ALF.
331
00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:32,884
You're right.
She has more facial hair.
332
00:17:34,154 --> 00:17:36,387
New idea,
how about you getting me
333
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:38,322
your father's
automatic-teller card
334
00:17:38,324 --> 00:17:40,158
and his code number?
335
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,960
- I can't do that.
- Sure you can.
336
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:45,630
Just start out
by talking about the weather
337
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,799
then you tell him
what a great dancer he is
338
00:17:47,801 --> 00:17:50,835
then you casually work it
into the conversation.
339
00:17:50,837 --> 00:17:53,471
ALF, I've never seen you
this desperate.
340
00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:55,973
Desperate?
I'll show you desperate!
341
00:17:55,975 --> 00:17:57,675
Get me that code number!
342
00:17:57,677 --> 00:17:59,744
- I want that code--
- ALF!
343
00:18:02,248 --> 00:18:04,749
Why were you shaking Brian?
344
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,684
If you must know,
I was helping him
345
00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:09,353
with his
Katharine Hepburn impression.
346
00:18:09,355 --> 00:18:11,222
Now, repeat after me, Brian..
347
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:14,392
[imitates Katherine Hepburn]
You're my knight
in shining armor.
348
00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:18,029
My knight in shining armor.
349
00:18:18,031 --> 00:18:19,497
[sighs]
350
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:24,402
[instrumental music]
351
00:18:30,310 --> 00:18:32,210
- See ALF?
- Yes.
352
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:36,314
He was teaching our son
Katharine Hepburn impressions.
353
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,982
And you were worried.
354
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:45,890
What are you all looking at?
355
00:18:45,892 --> 00:18:49,594
Haven't you ever seen
a pot of coffee before?
356
00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:51,529
ALF, put the coffee pot down.
357
00:18:51,531 --> 00:18:53,598
Oh, you'd all like that,
wouldn't you?
358
00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,099
[laughs]
359
00:18:55,101 --> 00:19:00,304
Don't worry, Joe. We're in this
together. When I say run, run.
360
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,006
ALF, why don't you..
361
00:19:02,008 --> 00:19:05,843
Why don't you go upstairs
and rest? For a week.
362
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,946
We'll, uh, we'll entertain
your little friend.
363
00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:10,548
His name's Joe.
364
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:13,117
Hey, Willie.
365
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,685
Hey, handsome.
366
00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:16,654
Great weather we're having, huh?
367
00:19:16,656 --> 00:19:18,723
I understand
you're quite a dancer.
368
00:19:18,725 --> 00:19:20,591
What was your
bank code number again?
369
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,426
- ALF--
- You're right, I'll guess.
370
00:19:22,428 --> 00:19:23,794
It'll be more fun.
371
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:25,530
- One, one, one, one.
- ALF..
372
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:27,265
- One, one, one, two.
- ALF!
373
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,433
- One, one, one, three.
- ALF, stop!
374
00:19:29,435 --> 00:19:32,003
That's it? Good. I thought
we were gonna be here all night!
375
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,572
Give me your wallet.
I'll be back in half an hour.
376
00:19:34,574 --> 00:19:38,543
No wallet. You lost your share
of the money, didn't you?
377
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:41,312
Willie, I need to make
one more buy.
378
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:42,680
I know I can turn this around.
379
00:19:42,682 --> 00:19:44,815
- I just need a grand.
- No.
380
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:48,586
A hundred. One lousy
hundred stinking dollars
381
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,321
ALF, yo-you're foaming.
382
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:53,991
You don't understand.
I can make us all rich!
383
00:19:53,993 --> 00:19:57,562
Rich, do you hear me?
I'm talking Donald Trump rich!
384
00:19:57,564 --> 00:20:00,398
Malcolm Forbes rich.
Buddy Rich!
385
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,702
I need money. Money! Ha!
386
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,604
- It's over, ALF.
- No!
387
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:09,340
- No, no, no.
- Dad, do something.
388
00:20:09,342 --> 00:20:10,975
- No, no--
- Get a hold of yourself.
389
00:20:10,977 --> 00:20:14,412
- No, no, no.
- ALF, ALF, ALF!
390
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,680
I'm done.
391
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,684
Sorry. I didn't wanna
have to do that.
392
00:20:19,686 --> 00:20:21,419
Nah, don't worry about it.
393
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:24,989
You know what happened,
don't you?
394
00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,325
I have a feeling
you're gonna tell me.
395
00:20:28,461 --> 00:20:31,729
Some people are blinded
by the thirst for money
396
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:34,966
and it makes them lose
their values an-and go crazy
397
00:20:34,968 --> 00:20:38,236
and do things they shouldn't do.
398
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:41,973
That explains
"Ghostbusters II."
399
00:20:41,975 --> 00:20:45,376
- Are you feeling better?
- Yeah.
400
00:20:45,378 --> 00:20:47,144
Your father's quite a guy.
401
00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:52,016
It took a big man to rough up
a defenseless three-foot alien.
402
00:20:52,018 --> 00:20:55,253
Welcome back, ALF.
We were worried about you.
403
00:20:55,255 --> 00:20:56,621
Thanks.
404
00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,491
Hey, come on, you big lug.
405
00:21:03,730 --> 00:21:07,865
Well, I guess
I'm still a tad keyed up.
406
00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:11,836
So if you guys need me, I'll be
out re-tarring the driveway.
407
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,404
Give me back my wallet.
408
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,574
Must have lost my touch.
409
00:21:20,213 --> 00:21:22,780
[instrumental music]
410
00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:28,386
- Willie?
- Yeah, ALF.
411
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:29,987
Listen, I've been wondering
412
00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:33,324
how come you came out of this
with $7500
413
00:21:33,326 --> 00:21:35,293
and I came out with bupkus?
414
00:21:35,295 --> 00:21:37,295
But I'm not challenging you.
415
00:21:37,297 --> 00:21:38,763
Well, ALF, I had a feeling
416
00:21:38,765 --> 00:21:40,698
you were going to
not challenge me on this.
417
00:21:40,700 --> 00:21:42,933
So, uh, I'll tell you what.
418
00:21:42,935 --> 00:21:45,202
If what you've cost me
over the years
419
00:21:45,204 --> 00:21:47,938
turns out to be less than
what you've made me
420
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:51,175
then I'm gonna give you
the difference.
421
00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:52,677
I've made a list.
422
00:21:52,679 --> 00:21:54,812
Ha! What a maroon. Go ahead.
423
00:21:54,814 --> 00:21:57,248
Punch the key. Punch it.
Go ahead, punch it.
424
00:21:57,250 --> 00:21:59,650
Punch the key.
425
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:02,520
You can't count when
I crashed into your garage.
426
00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:04,021
I didn't even know you then!
427
00:22:04,023 --> 00:22:06,490
It counts, ALF.
428
00:22:06,492 --> 00:22:09,260
Well, you can't count
the first kitchen fire.
429
00:22:09,262 --> 00:22:10,828
Is it my fault
you have outlets
430
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:14,398
that won't support
30 appliances?
431
00:22:14,400 --> 00:22:16,634
It's your fault. It counts.
432
00:22:19,138 --> 00:22:20,604
"Bail money?"
433
00:22:20,606 --> 00:22:23,641
Why do I get charged
with your bail money?
434
00:22:23,643 --> 00:22:25,876
You got me arrested.
435
00:22:25,878 --> 00:22:27,345
Oh, yeah, right.
436
00:22:27,347 --> 00:22:29,547
[laughs]
437
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:33,684
Oh! Oh, these are all
great memories!
438
00:22:33,686 --> 00:22:36,253
How come we don't have pictures
of this stuff?
439
00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:38,189
You broke my camera.
440
00:22:38,191 --> 00:22:41,859
Oh, right. Why don't you just
put it on my tab?
441
00:22:41,861 --> 00:22:43,394
It's there!
442
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:47,898
Right above,
"One scratched crystal vase."
443
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:49,567
You're so retentive.
444
00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:56,474
[theme music]
445
00:23:16,396 --> 00:23:19,597
[music continues]
446
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:22,967
[ALF laughs]